Being a working Mom continues to be the most difficult part of my journey. I am drawn to high- stress and high-pay jobs as this was generally my track before my daughter was born. However in the last sixteen years I have not been able to work a high paying job for longer than a few months without some sort of bipolar break-through or debilitating anxiety attack. Usually this involves some sort of high anxiety event where I disclose my health issues to my employers who are invariably not sympathetic and ask me to leave their place of employment.
My worklife over the past sixteen plus years has gotten more and more difficult as I seek to balance the responsibilities of motherhood and of work. Again, how potential child abuse issues impact my anxiety levels today is somewhat unknown but something I am working on.
If I want my childcare activities to be front and center or “on,” I need to work at a job that is generally stress free and does not put a priority on a high salary. I am just coming to terms with this reality and starting to seek jobs that are lower stress and relatively lower pay. This includes looking for work that is part-time, that includes flex-time and/or that is not particularly challenging. This also includes just doing volunteer work for the time-being.
So far I have not been able to find the balance between motherhood and a job for pay – even if that is a relatively lower paying job. So I have gravitated toward writing my story with this book / blog series as a way of perhaps finding worklife success in an unconventional manner.
This also includes getting back in touch with the writer in me who attended the Bread Loaf Writer’s Conference in Middlebury, Vermont some 25 years ago. But instead of fiction writing, I am focusing on telling people the story of my bipolar illness through this text and perhaps through other texts to come in the near or not so near future.
The ultimate job would allow me to spend time with my daughter and be present for her in her after-school activities like cross country, track and chorus. The ability to write about my illness, the challenges it presents and my approaches to tackle those challenges may just be the “ultimate job” I am looking for. Time will tell if my bloglife satisfies my need to work financially or otherwise.
As for the bipolar diagnosis, my husband and I have determined to be relatively transparent to my daughter who is sixteen about mental illness and about addiction issues. We are betting that Nurture will win out over Nature in the future of her life such that she will be minimally impacted by mood swings and addiction issues. We talk openly about how we don’t drink alcohol as a family and how we are very sensitive to moods and mood changes. We have been active in our church and in my daughter’s role as an acolyte as well as a member of the church choir. We hope to be setting the behavioral example that we did not necessarily follow in our growing up years to include marriage at 38 and 42.
I am hopeful that by providing my daughter with a strong home life and spiritual life, she will muddle through the teen years and twenties without signs of either bipolar illness or addiction. Invariably, I am aware that these health concerns will probably not hit until her teens and/or twenties if they do occur. With God’s help, we will steer clear of these obstacles or encounter them in a way that is manageable. With God’s help, we will also steer clear of any abuse issues that may present during her childhood.
For me, much about being a Mom involves letting go of Ego and embracing God. While for years my Ego has told me to “follow the money” and jobs that pay high dollar, I am unable to manage these career expectations and still be present in my daughter’s life. It appears I have “a Mom switch” that it is either on or off with little in between. This leaves my career choices to be a great deal more restricted than they were before the postpartum period. Today I seek a job that will provide “a living wage” that will also provide me the opportunity to get my daughter to cross country or track practice or travel to nearby Augusta for an Honors Chorus performance.
A high-paying job is only feasible for me if I extricate myself from all Mom activities. That leads to a highly stressful and largely empty lifestyle. In my current search for work, the pay and the status are taking a back seat to what it is I can do with and for my daughter on a daily and weekly basis.
I still seek a job that allows a “living wage,” allows meaningful interaction with my daughter and allows ongoing relationship development with my husband. From what I understand from talking to people with no behavioral health concerns, finding this balance is even a challenge for them.