Since I was a little girl I have had thoughts of matching couples together. This is likely due to an inner child of 6 years – which is probably about the time I was first abused and was before my parents decided to give up on their marriage and divorce. They divorced when I was about ten years old.
As any six-year-old I was prone to magical thinking and often extended that feeling in myself by matching so and so with so and so. Most times that remained a thought in my brain. On occasion I would share that information. But for the most part, it would just be a cycle of thought inside myself that was nice to consider.
I tend to continue to do this today from time to time. Call it the magical thoughts of a six-year-old? Or just the desire that everyone I care about is in a relationship where they can love and be loved, appreciated and understood?
Does anyone else have the tendency to match people who they know but may not know each other?
I no doubt struggle with being a helicopter mom — someone who is always hovering about her child and getting overly involved in schoolwork and other developments in my 16-year-old’s life.
In these days of covid-19 I am trying my best to be more hands-off. The last thing my daughter needs during the pandemic is for me to be breathing down her neck about school work. She is 16 so she is largely capable of doing her schoolwork on her own.
She is also an A or A plus student during non-covid times, so it seems more than likely she should be fine in this age of remote learning.
I feel that my anxiety is what prompts me most into being a helicopter mom. Moving forward, I need to talk myself out of anxious feelings before involving my daughter in my own anxiety experience. She has enough on her plate connecting to school and peers remotely and does not need me to micro-manage her. It only adds to her stress.
I believe at the root of the problem is the fact that I was not safe when I was young due to abuse from a neighbor. My hyper-vigilance is a by-product of not feeling safe when I was young and projecting that onto my daughter’s situation. While it is good to be vigilant, there is a definite downside to too much worry and too much involvement nonetheless.
So the goal for now is to not involve my daughter in the consequences of my anxiety: too many questions, worries about deadlines, concerns about testing. She is almost 17 years old and can manage those things on her own.
Going forward, I just need to check-in with her once a day and see if there is anything I can help with. That’s my plan for now. Anybody else have the experience of being a helicopter mom? If so, how do you manage it?
I can’t believe it!
My daughter is a Junior in high school this fall working remotely on her studies. I cannot believe we only have two more years before she leaves the nest for college (God willing).
I find myself wanting to treasure each free moment with her especially because she is saying she wants to go to university overseas. My sister’s older son did that and ended up married to a young woman in the UK and they now have two kids.
I want my daughter to choose the life she wants including going to college where she wants and settling down where she wants. But I will admit, it will be hard to adjust if she chooses to stay overseas. Every minute (even with a teenager) is precious!
My best friend and I talked on the porch with masks and social distancing for the last almost three hours. She is the type of friend who you cannot see for 6 months and then pick up and connect just where you left off last.
It was wonderful to know more about how she’s been doing and helpful to feel that I might be of help just listening to some of the things that have been occupying her life — like caring for her teenage son who has had some mental concerns and being a teacher in this time of distance learning and covid-19. The teachers right now in the States are having a time of it.
Talking also helped me put my own problems into better perspective. The challenges of my life seem to largely revolve around my anxiety even when the actual problems themselves are not that dire. Talking to my friend helped me gain some insight into my own peculiar need to always have something to worry about when that is not necessarily helpful or needed.
My friend is also an avid exercise person. I gave her permission to get on my case for not exercising on a regular basis. I asked her to reach out to her son and to her ex-husband and let them know that she respects the work they are putting in daily to overcome anxiety and other related challenges.
Once again, I am reminded how thankful I am for the relationships in my life. It makes me want to invest more time in developing more meaningful relationships across the board. Even when the conversation moves to serious topics, it is good to know we are not alone and that we can do our best to put on each others’ shoes and walk a mile or two.
Do you feel uncomfortable when there is a news announcement of a violent crime committed by some one who is mentally unstable or mentally ill? How can we address this stigma such that those of us who live with a mental health diagnosis largely lawfully are not readily lumped together with those people who are committing heinous acts due to their instability?
What might the typical mental health or substance use patient have to give up if there were to develop a Paranoia Hotline, a Paranormal Institute or a Cohort Model is some level of privacy? (Please see prior posts for a discussion of these concepts.) It is a “no brainer” to me that weapons do not belong in the hands of the mentally ill even when they are in recovery.
I also believe we as a society should allow therapists and doctors to report clients who may be showing signs of being a danger to others. This is very tricky territory, but it seems to me that the person providing mental health care should be able to report findings to some larger group whose mission is to follow-up and investigate and intervene if the concerns raised by the therapist show that a patient is a threat to others. At a minimum in my opinion, such notice from a therapist should ensure the patient goes on a weapon do-not-sell list.
In the past ten plus years the number of school or mass shootings in the US has sky-rocketed with the age of impacted schoolchildren often getting younger and younger. I feel it is the responsibility of people with mental health diagnoses who know how dangerous paranoia can be and how quickly it can develop into an unsafe situation to speak up in favor of controlling and denying access to guns and other weapons for the mentally ill. I also think the dialogue about what a therapist can reveal about his or her patient warrants more attention. If a patient is clearly a danger to others, this fact should be communicated to a third party in charge of reconciling the account. As people who strive day in and day out to be safe when there is often unsafety lingering around in the shadows, people with mental health diagnoses need to speak out as a group to ensure that lawmakers make weapons inaccessible to the mentally ill and provide societal intervention and/or follow-up for people who seem to be a danger to others.
It is only when we start to differentiate people who are a threat to others from people experiencing mental health symptoms but are no danger to others are we able to begin to address the stigma associated with mental illness. The public needs to know that it is a small percentage of people with mental illness who are actually a danger to others so that we who are living with the impacts of mental illness are not lumped into that category of “danger to others” and receive all the stigma that goes with that. These people who are a danger to others need early intervention from healthcare providers and first responders so that they do not act on these impulses to extend dangers to others.
My last blog post referenced those with mental illness and addiction issues under the same umbrella of “behavioral health.” A fellow blogger had the insight to question use of the term “behavioral health” which is used widely in the US but perhaps not elsewhere. She is at: https://mentalhealthathome.org.
The challenge for me is finding a term that includes mental illness and addiction in the same breath. At first glance “behavioral health” does that – include mental health and addiction diagnoses. But as my fellow blogger and friend pointed out “behavioral health” is a weird way of describing mental illness and addiction. The use of the term “behavioral health” seems to imply that all that us mental illness or substance abuse sufferers need to do is change our behavior and all will be well.
Further, the term “behavioral health” does not include the more common understanding that both mental illness and addiction are associated with or caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. The chemical imbalance is clearly an illness.
While there is room for behavioral change in any illness diagnosis including cancer and heart disease, the idea that a diagnosis can be reversed through behavioral change is missing the point. If I have heart disease, I can change my diet and exercise regime. If I have cancer, I can also adopt a healthier diet and exercise. However, my diagnosis of heart disease or cancer is not defined by my behavior. It is defined by the diagnosis and prognosis of the illness itself. If you are dying of heart disease or cancer, no one says “change your behavior and all will be well.”
So why should we term mental illness and addiction as “behavioral” issues? The key to understanding mental illness and addiction is in understanding there is a chemical malfunction in the brain. Sure, you can mitigate this some with behavioral changes, but that does not mean that mental illness and addiction are explained best by our behaviors or changes to our behaviors.
What are your thoughts on using the term “behavioral health?” Is there another term you choose to use to describe mental illness and addiction?
Has behavioral health always been the red-headed step-child in terms of research and funding levels? If these levels of research and funding followed the severity and reach of mental illness and addiction, might we see the following results? What if behavioral health funding were equal to say cancer funding or heart disease funding or diabetes funding?
- For one we would have adequate beds to treat people who needed inpatient care for behavioral health or addiction.
2. For another, we would have adequate funding to develop psychotropic drugs and other interventions without such severe side effects as weight gain and Type II Diabetes onset and memory loss.
3. Additionally, we would be treating war veterans for mental health and addiction impacts that can go untreated.
4. Fourthly, we would have enough resources to fund the Cohort Model discussed previously for people experiencing a significant event or setback.
5. Fifthly, with more co-mingling of people with and without a behavioral health diagnosis we might be able to reduce stigma substantially.
6. Finally and most importantly, by being proactive in our behavioral health and addiction programs in the United States, we may be able to develop some early warning signs among people struggling with depression and/or paranoid thoughts and/or addiction so that we can care for those patients before their symptoms become dire.
Asking about memory issues is popular on my blog, so I thought I would start a similar discussion on weight gain.
Back in 1985 when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I was prescribed a combination of lithium and tegretol. There was a five to ten pound weight gain associated with those meds. With a diligence for exercise I managed the weight implications associated with lithium without a problem. As long as I stayed on lithium off and on until about 2004 my weight seemed largely manageable.
Fast forward to 2004 after the birth of my daughter. I never got off my baby weight. Also due to the postpartum depression, I suffered additional weight gain in that I ceased to be motivated to run 4 to 5 times a week. In fact, I am doing well now to get a short walk in.
In 2008, I was prescribed clozapine / clozaril which largely became therapuetic for me but also was associated with a good bit of weight gain. To this day I am 20 to 30 pounds heavier than I want to be. I also want to be walking regularly. In addition to the meds’ impact on weight, I began to eat as a nervous eater and a stress eater. This did not help with the weight issues.
I am hopeful if I can jumpstart myself back into an exercise regime, I can begin to address the weight-gain and the stress eating. Because my daughter is pescatarian we largely eat healthily as a family but portions are too large and snacking is too much.
This original blog post on memory loss and mental illness posted almost 2 weeks ago has had the most traffic of any of my posts: https://wordpress.com/block-editor/post/mental-health-is-health.com/473
For that reason I am revisiting it. With this update, I am trying to understand when people experience memory loss, what kind of memory loss it is and how long it lasts.
- Are your memory issues associated with certain episodes of mental illness, meaning they just occur when you are in a depressive state or manic state or the equivalent for you?
- Do these memory issues linger after the episode is complete?
- In other words is your memory loss temporary during the episode or does the memory loss remain after the episode is complete?
- Are you more likely to experience short-term memory impacts or longer term memory impacts?
- What coping mechanisms like writing notes, leaving reminders on your phone have you adopted to help manage the memory loss?
- Do these mechanisms help you manage the memory loss?
- Would you say the memory loss is mild, moderate or significant?
- Have you talked this through with your care team / doctor / therapist?
- Do you believe the memory loss is a function of the mental illness or the medication or both?
- Do you feel covid-19 is a factor in your memory loss?
My memory loss issues are largely short-term — where did I put the car keys or the phone? I also might forget going to a certain restaurant a month or two ago. My memory issues tend to exist during and after episodes and are not episode-specific. The memory loss is there whether I am showing signs of bipolar break-through symptoms or not but are worse for example when my anxiety is high. So far, I have not taken this up with my therapist and my doctor since the problem has been on the mild side. But since the memory issues may be getting more prominent I will likely share with my therapist and my doctor at my next appointments. I am not sure whether the memory loss is medication-specific or illness-specific. I use notes and to-do lists all the time to help manage as well as a few reminders on my phone. I use a hand-written calendar to track appointments and dates. I also use my online calendar to manage appointments as well. I have a bulletin board set up in the kitchen as well to post things that need my attention in the short-term or mostly in the long term. I would say covid-19 is a huge impact since all the days do run together one to the next.
Thanks for sharing your insights on memory loss as you are able.
Here goes nothing….
- I wish for psyche meds to be 100% therapeutic 100% of the time.
- I wish for no side effects to meds like drowsiness or weight gain or Type II Diabetes.
- I wish to recover all those times when I was emotionally inaccessible to those closest to me due to my bipolar illness condition – this is mostly having to do with family and definitely has to do with my daughter.
- I wish for my bipolar condition not to be genetically an issue for my daughter.
- I wish to undo any harm / make amends for any harm I have brought to people because of or during my bipolar condition.
- I wish for the stigma associated with mental illness and addiction in society to magically disappear.
- I wish for the United States to have a healthcare plan that covers everybody at a reasonable cost including pre-existing conditions and including mental health and addiction benefits.
- I wish for the covid-19 virus to become a thing of the past as quickly as possible since it has so many emotional components that impact my mental health and the mental health of others.
- I wish for a covid-19 vaccine in the next 4 to 6 weeks or better yet now.
- I wish for a support team for anyone experiencing any sort of mental health or addiction diagnosis / symptoms and that that support team is always there for you.
- I wish for everyone with mental illness or addiction issues to never feel alone or never feel separate from the rest of the world.
- I wish the world to embrace and include all people no matter what their diagnosis, skin color, religion, etc.
- I wish I could return to the weight I was when I married or close to it…..
What would your wish list look like?