I have started up with CBD oil again

This is not a product endorsement for CBD oil – only a recount of my experience. Please take this into consideration. Thank you.

I have started up with a low dosage of CBD oil again. I am still underwhelmed at the level of dosage information there is on packaging and in general available to consumers but I am trying to take the edge off my anxiety which is presenting with the end of my daughter’s high school career and the beginning of her college years. I have talked this through with my therapist at our last session and with my psychiatrist a year or two ago.

Does anyone have personal stories of CBD oil helping with anxiety? Other stories regarding CBD?

Happy Easter Everyone!

Hello all. I hope you are having a great Easter Sunday or whatever holiday you observe (or don’t observe)! Today I am focusing on being grateful. Even though I have persistent anxiety from my bipolar illness I have lots and lots to be thankful for: my daughter’s health, my daughter’s achievements in school, my husband’s companionship, my Mom’s relatively good health, our new puppy, a psyche doctor and therapist who I trust and consider in my support circle , constant help and support from my sister, and the list goes on….

Can you find it in your heart to be thankful for something today? Even if it as simple as that cup of morning coffee? I hope so.

Have a super day!

I find my anxiety creeping in

In the last week, I have found my anxiety creeping in. My daughter is set to finish high school in about 6 weeks. I think my anxiety is being triggered by all the unknowns that that entails. When is college orientation? How do we pay the college bill without getting a late fee? How many days do we need to drop her off and get her settled in her dorm room? Is my daughter ready to live on her own? What if she experiences some form of mental illness while she is away at college in Boston? How does healthcare work for college students? Does she know how to purchase books? Are there even text books these days? Will she fall in with the right peer group? Is she ready to study on her own?

Looking at all these questions, I think I have the answer for why I am feeling anxious. Any parents of college students care to provide a word of encouragement? Like, this is normal to worry about these things. They do get better and they do get handled! 🙂

Thanks in advance for any words of encouragement and support.

Anxiety and High Blood Pressure

Does anyone with anxiety also experience high blood pressure? When I was pregnant in 2003 I had pre-eclampsia which is high blood pressure associated with being pregnant. After my daughter’s birth, I continued to have high blood pressure. It has been 18 years since and I am still on high blood pressure medicine along with my psyche meds. I recently have had to go up on that blood pressure medicine – metoprolol.

I am wondering out loud if other people who have chronic anxiety as I do associated with bipolar illness also have need of high blood pressure medicine. It makes sense to me that the anxiety could either cause high blood pressure and/or exist correlatively (not causally) with it.

Are there other folks out there who experience anxiety and high blood pressure simultaneously? Do you consider this causal or correlative?

Graphic Visualization of Moods: Does It Help?

It is helpful to me to have a graph of my moods for the day and for long-term.

For bipolar illness it is pretty common to visualize two parallel lines with moods going up and down between those parallel lines. So a person with no bipolar disorder has the same set of parallel lines but the lines are only say 6 points apart – 3 up from zero and 3 down from zero. If 6 units wide is a “normal” mood range, a person with bipolar illness might experience a range twice that wide at 12 units – this is 6 units up from zero and 6 units down from zero. As I have said before, this image of more accentuated mood swings is a pretty standard way of talking about the highs and lows of bipolar illness. Also it has been said that bipolar illness mood swings are similar to normal mood swings – it is only a matter of degree. I might contest that assertion in that bipolar mood swings may be accompanied by anxiety and/or psychotic experience.

So if bipolar mood swings are say twice as high and twice as low as regular normal mood experience, what does the graph look like on any given day? For me there is a pattern to most days that is helpful for me to visualize. Generally, the first moment I wake up is the most anxious. I would start this day’s curve on the high end. As I take my morning meds and wake up to face the day, my mood starts to level out. Late morning and early afternoon are when my day starts to become more productive and with that my anxiety tends to get more under control. Dinner is often a chore to get together but typically this is something I enjoy, so the anxiety seems to be at a low point at dinnertime. After dinnertime is usually my time to watch the news and part of a movie or a TV series. This time is spent with my husband and is generally very relaxing – my anxiety is at a low point in the day. Around 8:45 to 9:15 on a weeknight I go to bed early. On a weekend it may be a couple of hours later. It should be mentioned that this pattern is generally the same whether or not it is a weekday or a weekend.

So for a visualization, my anxiety starts at a peak in the morning when I awake and typically falls as the day progresses. Depending on the day there may be small dips here and there as the anxiety dissipates or spikes here and there as the anxiety surges. By and large this curve maps the moods of my day. If I am able to get something done on my todo list in the mid day to afternoon timeframe, my anxiety abates pretty regularly. It is as if I have to get past a small spike in anxiety in order for that anxiety to continue to drop as the afternoon and the day progresses.

This post would be that much better if I could provide readers with a picture of what I am talking about — so sorry that my blogging abilities do not incorporate importing a picture of parallel mood lines on the one hand and an anxiety curve dissipating generally as the day progresses on the other hand.

Does this graphic description seem relevant for others with bipolar and/or anxiety disorders? What is the same and what is different about your mood curves?

I had a run-in with my therapist yesterday

I had a run-in with my therapist yesterday. I was talking about having a lot on my plate with a daughter going off to college soon, a Mom needing cataract surgery and me not knowing for a week or so about a brain tumor and whether that required follow-up with the neurologist. Thankfully it does not.

Where my therapist and I disagreed was whether I had a lot on my plate. It is true my daughter is a stellar student and good athlete. So she is likely to get into some if not several colleges of her choice. But, that does not mean my feelings on her behalf don’t include anxiety. I was diagnosed with bipolar while in college — so that makes me worry about her.

My therapist also reminded me that my sister is the point person for my Mom’s cataract surgery and there is very little for me to do there. From my point of view it is difficult to have my Mom age, it is difficult in having to set limits on how much I can help with her care because of the bipolar (like driving across town at 5:00/5:30am under heavy sedation with meds). It is also stressful for me to see my Mom as she insists until recently on driving herself and I don’t feel that is safe.

The MRI for a brain tumor was stressful because I did not know if I would need brain surgery – literally.

My admiration for my therapist is at a low point. Rather than acknowledging all these stressors, she basically said I did not have a lot on my plate and I should be doing better. She texted me that she thought I had enormous difficulty managing my own life and to stop trying to manage other people instead of managing my own struggles.

This is the first time in 13 plus years where my therapist in my view made the wrong call. If I were in a wheel chair, the doctors would not necessarily believe I should walk again but that I should be making the most of my life albeit in a wheelchair. For the first time in 13 years, I feel my therapist just “doesn’t get it.” I feel she doesn’t get it that anxiety can be really rough even if it looks like things on the outside are pretty much handled. The anxiety doesn’t necessarily go away when life’s challenges are getting managed one way or another.

Has anyone had this kind of fall-out with their therapist or their doctor? Any ideas on how best to move forward?

Back in 2004/2005 I was diagnosed with a brain tumor

During a routine MRI after my daughter was born, a frontal meningioma was found – that is a small tumor in the brain sac likely benign. I was told at the time not to worry about it. In 2013, I asked the doctor specifically if follow-up was needed. He said no unless there were new symptoms. For about the last two years, I have been experiencing additional anxiety and short-term memory loss. I am unsure whether these are signs of the bipolar condition progressing with age or are symptoms of the meningioma pressing on the frontal lobe.

Friday, I had an MRI of the brain and should know the results next week. There is a part of me that is hoping it is pressure on the frontal lobe so that once removed my anxiety and memory loss should be better. It is craziness to think that way, but there you have it.

Some days

Some days my anxiety gets the best of me. I have to forgive myself for this and strive again to do better in the future.

I have been journaling my walking and my anxiety levels and it does appear anxiety is worse if I don’t get a walk in. Which comes first the chicken or the egg – I am not sure. Do I feel more anxiety because I have not been on a walk? Or do I not go on a walk because I am feeling anxious?

In any case, the addition of walks to my daily routine is favorable and appears in general to have favorable outcomes – with today being an exception.

Today though I could not let go of my anxiety about my daughter’s wellbeing. This comes at a time when my mother is going in for cataract surgery and I can’t be there because it involves driving across town at 5:00am when my evening meds are still strong in my system. I have had to say no to my ability to pick up my Mom at 5:30am to drive her to the hospital at 6:00am.

This makes me feel guilty that I cannot care for my Mom. It makes me aware of my own limitations in terms of being able to get outside of my regular routine. I am good with routine – horrible without it. I know I am taking care of my health and safety and the safety of others, but I still feel inadequate about it.

To boot, the anxiety about my Mom seems to overflow into anxiety about my daughter and vice versa. I guess you could call this poor boundaries setting at the moment. Realizing they’re not there or not strong — the boundaries — makes me feel even more inadequate.

All in all, I feel like chucking this up to a bad day. Tomorrow will be better I hope and maybe I will go on a longer walk rather than just a short one.

A way toward stigma reduction?

A blogging colleague of mine have been talking a little bit about stigma reduction associated with keeping mental illness symptoms associated with the illness itself rather than with the person. For example, the anxiety that I experience is a feature of my bipolar illness rather than some character defect or short-coming of my person. What if we were to try to represent and talk about mental illness symptoms as being features of the illness or diagnosis itself rather than characteristics of the person or the patient? By way of example, we do not think a breast cancer survivor is cancerous. Instead we say she has had cancer and fought it and is still fighting it and/or is in remission. The disease and its symptoms are not synonymous with the patient. In fact with cancer it is the other way around. People always talk about those people who are able to beat the illness cancer — it it not a part of who that person is but rather a fight to fight and to win and to overcome.

So why do we think of mental health symptoms as somehow the failure of the person experiencing the symptoms such as anxiety, depression, PTSD or some form of psychosis? When it’s mental we tend to assign the symptoms to the patient rather than to the illness. This person is anxious. This person is depressed. This person is psychotic. This makes overcoming the stigma of mental illness even tougher.

So what would it look like if we started talking about mental illness symptoms as part of the illness rather than part of the person experiencing them? It might make us more inclined to believe that getting over anxiety or depression or PTSD or psychosis is a matter of the treatment of the illness rather than the integrity of the patient or the person experiencing the symptoms.

What do you think? Do you think mental health patients are asked “to own” their symptoms in a way that cancer patients are not? Do you feel mental health stigma could be reduced if we were to more often disassociate mental health symptoms from the person experiencing them? Could mental illness be considered a challenge to fight and/or to get through like a cancer but not the result of some character defect on the part of the patient? Do we need ways of talking about mental health that include giving credit for actively working to keep symptoms under control and/or having them be in remission for a time? Do we need ways of talking about successes we have had in combatting our mental illness diagnoses even if those troubles still exist for us on some level? What of all this might help to address the stigma of mental illness?

Anxiety is a bully

I have been journaling since March 2021 about strides I am making in practicing yoga or walking on a regular basis. A week or two ago, I decided to include journaling about my anxiety in the same log. Once I started writing about my anxiety, it was as if I could not stop.

I called my anxiety a bully in that it instills pain wherever it goes. I called my anxiety cancerous in that the anxiety causes good health to go bad. I wrote and wrote and wrote about anxiety not being a friend but being a bully and how there was no room in my home for a bully. I do not allow bullying to occur in the neighborhood or at school, so why would I accept bullying at home?

I know I don’t always have control over my emotions and that is why I have a diagnosis of bipolar, but it is soooo helpful to be able to call out anxiety as a bully and think of it as something that is pervading my home rather than a feature of the bipolar I just have to accept. It is true I cannot control the anxiety when it occurs, I can only control how I respond to it when it does occur. But calling it a bully somehow helps me to think of the anxiety as “other than” and not me. I am not my anxiety. I am not my diagnosis. I am not my bipolar. My anxiety exists as a bully as part of my illness. I can call it out for what it is and I can tell it off and I can tell it it is not welcome in my person, in my home, or in my relationships with family and friends.

Does anybody else have coping mechanisms for anxiety that seem to help by differentiating the anxiety from the person experiencing it? Is it helpful to you too to think of anxiety as a bully to be kept at bay?