Some days

Some days my anxiety gets the best of me. I have to forgive myself for this and strive again to do better in the future.

I have been journaling my walking and my anxiety levels and it does appear anxiety is worse if I don’t get a walk in. Which comes first the chicken or the egg – I am not sure. Do I feel more anxiety because I have not been on a walk? Or do I not go on a walk because I am feeling anxious?

In any case, the addition of walks to my daily routine is favorable and appears in general to have favorable outcomes – with today being an exception.

Today though I could not let go of my anxiety about my daughter’s wellbeing. This comes at a time when my mother is going in for cataract surgery and I can’t be there because it involves driving across town at 5:00am when my evening meds are still strong in my system. I have had to say no to my ability to pick up my Mom at 5:30am to drive her to the hospital at 6:00am.

This makes me feel guilty that I cannot care for my Mom. It makes me aware of my own limitations in terms of being able to get outside of my regular routine. I am good with routine – horrible without it. I know I am taking care of my health and safety and the safety of others, but I still feel inadequate about it.

To boot, the anxiety about my Mom seems to overflow into anxiety about my daughter and vice versa. I guess you could call this poor boundaries setting at the moment. Realizing they’re not there or not strong — the boundaries — makes me feel even more inadequate.

All in all, I feel like chucking this up to a bad day. Tomorrow will be better I hope and maybe I will go on a longer walk rather than just a short one.

Does it make you wonder?

When you see all the aerial photos on the news that show carbon footprint diminishing in various cities around the globe due to stay at home orders, do you see a glimmer of hope amidst the profound heartbreak and loss? When I see how water quality and air quality and the like can be improved by the current standstill of economies at the global level, I am strangely hopeful yet mindful. I am hopeful not in the stopping of our economy, or in our ability to work or in our suspended livelihoods but in the possibility proposed in the last couple of months that if we are successful in switching our energy sources to 100% renewable sources, our lovely planet will react all for the best by our actions. And this reaction will be pretty quick. Our actions individually and collectively do matter when it comes to saving our planet from climate change and all that that entails!