Some days

Some days my anxiety gets the best of me. I have to forgive myself for this and strive again to do better in the future.

I have been journaling my walking and my anxiety levels and it does appear anxiety is worse if I don’t get a walk in. Which comes first the chicken or the egg – I am not sure. Do I feel more anxiety because I have not been on a walk? Or do I not go on a walk because I am feeling anxious?

In any case, the addition of walks to my daily routine is favorable and appears in general to have favorable outcomes – with today being an exception.

Today though I could not let go of my anxiety about my daughter’s wellbeing. This comes at a time when my mother is going in for cataract surgery and I can’t be there because it involves driving across town at 5:00am when my evening meds are still strong in my system. I have had to say no to my ability to pick up my Mom at 5:30am to drive her to the hospital at 6:00am.

This makes me feel guilty that I cannot care for my Mom. It makes me aware of my own limitations in terms of being able to get outside of my regular routine. I am good with routine – horrible without it. I know I am taking care of my health and safety and the safety of others, but I still feel inadequate about it.

To boot, the anxiety about my Mom seems to overflow into anxiety about my daughter and vice versa. I guess you could call this poor boundaries setting at the moment. Realizing they’re not there or not strong — the boundaries — makes me feel even more inadequate.

All in all, I feel like chucking this up to a bad day. Tomorrow will be better I hope and maybe I will go on a longer walk rather than just a short one.

Are to-do lists helpful to you?

For the last week or so, I have been keeping a list of items that I need to do to keep a household running like going for a blood test, picking up meds, picking up meds for my dog and so on. The list is not particularly long. I am not listing out every single thing on my bucket list, but I am including those things I must do to run a household as well as some other non-essentials. For example, this morning I awoke (late) and rested and felt ready to tackle cutting the grass in the back yard. The grass was really long so this took several starts and stops to complete – literally. But complete it I did! And better yet, I marked it off my list! All of a sudden I feel empowered by doing one small thing on my to-do list. I would be curious if other people find this approach helpful to structuring these long unstructured days. What I hope I can avoid is putting too many items on the to-do list or putting really difficult items on the list. I do not want to psyche myself out with too much on the list. Just make a short relatively easy list so I have some easy “wins.” Maybe putting a healthy meal on the table for myself and my family each day. Taking the dog for a short walk. Or taking myself for a short walk. Anything that is constructive that I can cross off my list with relative ease.