Safety, Society, Stigma, Stability: Understanding the Child Within (repost)

Please be aware there is a reference to potential child abuse below.

As discussed in a prior post, my inner child is like two very different people simultaneously.  There is that child who feels hugely responsible for every negative event that occurs going back to my parents’ divorce.  This child is about ten years of age.  Then there is that child of say maybe six who is seemingly ahead of the curve of regular events in time who may see things more in terms of circular time.   I continue to seek to find this six-year-old child within and nurture her.  My goal in seeking to find this child within is that by understanding her and nurturing her and her relationship to the ten-year-old worrier, I will have much less anxiety when there are situations outside of my control.

Over the years, I have been in the process of discussing this six-year-old child within with my therapist.  I am not sure technically what it might mean if I have a six-year-old and a ten-year-old child within.

I have spent years focusing on the ten-year-old child within who is often consumed with worries for the future.  I have focused on the typical feelings that the child within may feel responsible for negative events like my parents’ divorce and that this may translate some 20 years of illness forward to feelings of responsibility for terrorist threats (real or imagined).

Only since my daughter turned ten have I begun to focus on that six-year-old child.  Until now, the six-year-old child within has remained relatively undisclosed.  I am currently mid-process in finding out about her and what she is concerned about.  So far, what I feel is true is that the six-year-old child within is not plagued by high anxiety and is very carefree.  She believes in “magical outcomes” much like any child of six years.  She loves to think about match-making for people who are alone or appear to be alone.  She loves to think about patterns and how numbers and colors organize themselves in and around patterns.  She is generally a happy child and does not feel abandoned by divorce since the divorce “has not yet occurred.” 

How this six-year-old child relates to the ten-year-old child within will be a designated focus for me in my on-going spiritual journey.  My goal will be to honor that younger child within so as to perhaps relinquish the feelings of blame and responsibility for all things negative held tight by the older child.  I am not yet sure if this approach is supported by current therapy directions but I will plan to review in the months ahead.  Perhaps the reconciliation of the six-year-old and the ten-year-old will be the focus of a next text I will write.

Ironically, the ten-year-old child within likely has the ability to “tell time” in the linear and logical sense of the phrase.  The six-year-old child appears not to be able to “tell time” but experiences time more in terms of circular time or dream time and appears to be largely unconstrained by the realities of linear time and linear events.   

More recently (in the past two years) I have come to believe that there is a reason for the child within at age 6 and at age 10.  I am convinced some fifty years after the fact that I was sexually or otherwise abused as a child of about 6 years old.  I believe I was targeted by one or another neighbors.  My memories of this experience are largely blank, yet I feel that I endured something terrible at that age.  I will continue to explore feelings of abuse as time progresses.  This may help to explain the split between the child of 6 and the child of 10.  The six-year-old exists prior to the time of abuse.  The ten-year-old somehow feels responsible for that abuse as well as other painful events including happenings such as my parents’ divorce. 

We are COVID 19 negative!

My daughter and I were having strong symptoms of the common cold beginning last weekend. I was worried that it might be COVID. We got the non-rapid release COVID test done since it was supposed to be more accurate. We both have now tested as negative for COVID-19. Praise God! It was a scary couple of days! Apparently, colds and other similar illnesses are on the rise since most people have been mostly indoors for the last year and a half and are just now beginning to expose themselves to germs that may create the common cold or other similar symptoms.

Please, stay well!

Just how delicate things are

I accidentally took my morning meds two or three hours later than usual yesterday. This sent me into an anxiety tailspin. I had no idea my reaction to my meds would be so time sensitive — that a two or three hour delay would have dire consequences. Well it did. I went into a full blown panic attack and in the process extended my anxiety to my lovely 17 year old daughter. This is so totally not fair to her. BIG lesson learned for me is that schedule DOES MATTER when taking psych meds. Also BIG lesson learned is that I need to forgive myself and ask for apologies from my daughter for extending anxiety toward her instead of the love and support she deserves.

Have you ever forgotten to take meds on time and suffered the consequences? Did you have to forgive your self in the process? And ask others to forgive you too?

Safety, Society, Stigma, Stability: the Sound Phenomenon (repost)

Back around 1998, when I wrote the letter to physicist David Bohm in the UK, as mentioned in a prior post, I did not know he was already deceased.  The topic of the letter was something I call “the sound phenomenon.” This refers to statements I hear that may be jumbled from reality.  This poor hearing may date back to loss of hearing and perhaps brain damage associated with strong prescription medication use in the 1980s.  Or it may be a form of ecological or illogical communication. 

In any case as an example, someone may utter a statement like “I am going to the restroom.”   What I may hear is “There is no restroom….”  So either due to damage in my hearing capabilities or due to some form of “hearing voices,” I hear the statement that has been uttered or better said perceived in a non-logical light.  I call this event “the sound phenomenon” and also attribute it to ecological versus logical thought. 

The letter to David Bohm in 1998 asked for the development of a double-blind study in which “the sound phenomenon” would be studied.  In the letter, I also described a dream I had involving Einstein in which he and I were arguing about a topic (potentially time) and that I felt very self-assured in my opinion and in challenging him.  I also talked in the letter to David Bohm about my thoughts about linear time versus circular time.  In my view at the time, linear time is the time of chronological events.  Circular time is the time of dreams and of the subconscious.  Somehow this differentiation is associated with matter and anti-matter.

Understanding “the sound phenomenon” is something that continues to occupy my thoughts some 20 years later after writing the letter to David Bohm.  I continue to try to listen to what is said but not give it too much credence in linear time if it does not “make sense.”  I tend to think of utterances in “the sound phenomenon” as similar to a Freudian slip where the world of circular time may be butting into the world of linear time.  Yet, I have no real explanation as of yet for whether this is an accurate assessment of “the sound phenomenon.” 

I don’t believe “the sound phenomenon” is the same as hearing voices though it might be. I have had that experience early on in my mental health history. In that case, what was or is heard is typically something that is not grounded in reality at all but is discernible to the ear. With “the sound phenomenon” I hear maybe half of the idea communicated directly with the other half miscommunicated or garbled into nonsense and rather not discernible to the ear.

I find that “the sound phenomenon” occurs in any number of places – out in public, in the home, at church, watching TV – which logically might indicate that these occurrences are due to hearing failures on my part due to inadvertently or potentially “over-using” anti-psychotic medications in my twenties.  I really do not know the answer and have accepted to date that I really don’t know the explanation for these events.  What I have added to my behavior is asking the person who said what I perceive of as an illogical statement to repeat him or herself.  Usually that involves clearing up the hearing “mistake” and a repeat of a more logical statement.  I find that asking the person talking to repeat him or herself makes me realize that this is either a hearing fault on my part or some sort of temporal miscommunication like a Freudian slip.

Has anybody done the research on this?

I remember being taught somewhere along my mental health career that thought precedes emotion, but it always struck me as being the other way around. I feel emotions first then from those emotions thoughts are formed. If the emotion is a delicate one, my thoughts might also be delicate. If the mood is a good one, the thoughts that follow are generally positive.

Honestly, I don’t believe the entire communication process is rational and therefore governed by thought. I believe that the emotions we experience lead us toward certain thoughts.

If it is true that thoughts precede emotions, all we have to do is change our thoughts. What resonates with me on the other hand is the need to improve how we feel in order to get the feel-good thoughts to occur and stick.

Anybody want to weigh in on this discussion? I honestly cannot remember what setting I was in where this idea was presented that thought generated everything including emotion. But still I feel it’s the other way around. What do you think?

Safety, Society, Stigma, Stability: Finding the Inner Child (repost)

For years I thought that my inner child within [1] was about ten years old.  This is about the time my parents separated for a divorce.  Like most children, I took this news personally and thought that I was personally responsible for their break-up.  I recall the Valentine’s Day after my parents separated I gave them both together a huge Valentine’s heart box filled with Russell Stover candies.  I could tell something was wrong by the look of sheer anxiety on my father’s face.   

In addition to this divorce, my inner child has been somewhat over-shadowed by being the replacement child for my older brother who died as an infant the year before I was born.  At least with my father, I always felt like the replacement child who did not quite measure up.  With my mom, this was not always so much the case.  

Today I feel that my inner child is more like 6 years old (than 10 years old) though I do not know of a specific incident that would have triggered this child within to “stop” at this age.  Perhaps my parents stopped communicating with each other when I turned 6, perhaps I experienced some childhood tragedy that I can no longer recall or name, perhaps this was the beginning of financial differences between my Mom and my Dad and all that that entails.

In any case, this six-year-old child within tends to believe in all sorts of magic just as would a child at six years of age.  She is a matchmaker at heart and seeks continually to imagine people together who might be good with each other – imaginarily or not.  She tends to see things in circular time or dream time often before they occur in linear time.  This early perception is not jarring to her mental health so long as there is not a safety component to it.  If there is a safety component to the perception, my child within seems to turn ten years old and not only feels ”unsafe” but also feels the responsibility for the “unsafe event.” 

I have spent years if not decades trying to understand this child within and her fears for safety.   I have particularly been focused on this child and her safety concerns since becoming a mother 17 years ago.   If I listen closely, it may be that this six-year-old child holds no fears only perceptions of a beautiful place and beautiful planet.  It may be that my true child within is largely guarded from feelings of unsafety, and it is more the child of ten years or the child of divorce or replacement that holds onto those feelings of responsibility and angst and anxiety.

If only I could get the ten-year-old child to listen to the six-year-old child, perhaps I could start to see and hear and experience a world in which everything is whole and in which God is truly in control.  If I am able to honor that six-year-old child fully, I may be able to let go of the ten-year-old child who forever feels responsible for any and almost every calamity that exists.  The ten-year-old feels responsibility for safety of self, safety of community, safety of nation and safety of the world, while the six-year-old appears unencumbered by these rampant safety concerns.  The six-year-old is largely concerned with whether or not people are happy and who might meet whom and what is needed in order to stay happy. 


[1]  I am aware that there are several texts that have been published that address finding the child within and healing the inner child.  I have never read any of these texts but I have worked directly with a therapist over several years in listening to and acknowledging that child.   I would assume that my therapist has read these books and has imparted their knowledge to me.  These books are not included in my Bibliography as I have never read them.

Found Ya Blog | Bloggers Interview | Mental Health is health

Here is an interview from a fellow blogger. Hope it sheds some light on things if you are unfamiliar with Mental Health.

A Writer's Deli

For today’s interview, we’ve got a topic which is of extreme significance. I, particularly am a huge advocate of mental well-being and eradication of the stigma surrounding it. To throw some light on the topic, we’ve with us a blogger whose life experience, optimism and practical ways to combat mental illness will be enlightening for the readers. The link to the blog is attached at the end for your reference. Happy Reading.

1.Thank you for this interview. What is your blog about and why the name Mental health is health?

My blog is about my journey through bipolar illness that started when I was in college and continues to this day, sometimes well managed and sometimes somewhat well managed. I feel that stigma is a major issue in the field of Mental Health – perhaps adding up to half of the battle for many people who are…

View original post 669 more words

Safety, Society, Stigma, Stability: a “Me Too” Movement Moment (repost)

Names and places have been changed in order to maintain privacy in these discussions.

During the fall of 1984 I was working on my thesis with a professor named Professor Dean Flannigan.  My thesis topic was somewhat controversial as I was using Modern Fiction in my research and drawing conclusions from authors of the times like Alice Walker and Flannery O’Connor.  I was looking at the way family is portrayed in Modern Fiction as an indicator of the socio-political developments and historical dynamics of the time.  It felt like the English Department was not altogether in favor of such a modern approach to a thesis, yet approval for my thesis topic was provided by the relevant committee.  This was a couple of years after my approval of a major in American Studies. 

Professor Dean Flannigan is a story in and of itself and one which I will not detail right now except to say I now feel that Professor Flannigan was someone who needed to be revered and admired by his students yet also considered a peer.  This situation was associated with risky behavior including serving cocaine to students in his home and invitations to Chicago which may have triggered my illness.

For me at the time, this was a “me too movement” moment. While I was not physically abused by Professor Flannigan, I believe I was psychologically abused. Professor Flannigan without any training tried to psychoanalyze me through the thesis advisement process and perhaps even tried to make me feel unstable. This unwarranted psychoanalysis triggered the response of a six-year-old child within me that likely experienced child abuse. Professor Flannigan’s attempts to psychoanalyze me I call psycho-social or psycho-sexual abuse. They left me with exposure of this six-year-old child with no way to regain security.

Today, I continue have high disregard for this professor and for Ivy College given the behavior of Professor Flannigan.  I also readily agree now that I was not mature enough to distance myself from his later “come-ons” and “innuendos.”  While an excellent scholar, I was not mature enough to tell Professor Flannigan to go to hell when he started to make advances toward me.  I was confused with feelings of respect I held for him intellectually vying with feelings of confusion and paranoia at being asked to travel with him unaccompanied to Chicago. 

Immediately after my first breakdown, Professor Flannigan began to distance himself from me in an effort to secure tenure.  This effort to secure tenure was after he and I had several thesis review meetings, after he invited me to join him on a trip to Chicago, after he tried to analyze my childhood on several occasions and after he tried to seduce me into coming solo with him to Chicago and after making zodiac references to me like “Scorpio riseth…” I had no idea what that saying was supposed to mean.  I also had no idea how to establish a boundary with Professor Flannigan.  On the one-hand, I thought he was brilliant and a brilliant scholastic role model.  On the other hand, I felt his actions to seduce me (as I understood them) were highly inappropriate.  But I did not have the strength to articulate this to myself much less to him. If I had perhaps been more mature myself, I could have indicated to this Professor Flannigan that while I revered his intellect, I found great fault with his personal behavior.  Bottom line I was emotionally too immature to know how to say no to a trip to Chicago or to an invitation toward some sort of sexual interlude.  I was academically brilliant as a scholar but not so much so as a student to a professor who consistently pushed the boundaries of appropriate behavior.      

Since that time, Professor Flannigan has enjoyed getting tenure at Ivy College and has secured virtually unprecedented popularity on campus.  I, on the other hand, have not enjoyed similar successes particularly in my professional life which has been hampered over the years on numerous occasions by my illness.

My Sojourn through Bipolar Illness – Clothing then and now (reposted)

As a note before this repost, I have successfully maneuvered getting 10 to 13 pounds off (and stayed off) in the last several months. This has largely been due to introducing daily exercise into my day – walking and/or yoga. This is the first time I have been able to stick to such a routine in 17 years. Oddly, my evening snacking has not made the weight gain disappear but it does tell me that I could get another 7 to 10 pounds off if I could just stop the snacking / stress eating in the evening after dinner. The repost is below:

I have continued to have some sort of fixation with clothes and clothing – not only the color in which they appear but also the “privacy” of the label.  Sometimes this label is not private and is emblazoned on the back pocket of the jeans as in Calvin Klein jeans from the 1970’s or even the Levi’s name tag on that ever so timeless brand of clothing.  I am unsure what this fixation on clothing entails exactly.  I do know that it is tied with some body image issues that get complicated because of my need to take regular meds for my bipolar condition. 

Throughout high school and college I remained a size 6 to 8 when I perhaps should have been a size ten.  After meds were introduced in my life I was almost always a size 8 to 10.  After bearing a child and substantially increasing my meds, I have been more a size 12 to 14.  My goal at this juncture in life is to be back at that size 12.  Perhaps my obsession with clothing is in parallel to my own body image issues, perhaps not. 

In any case, the preoccupation with clothing seems to have something also to so with pattern recognition.  If four people out of ten wear red to the office that day, I notice it.   If black was worn by person A on day one and by persons B, C, D, and E, I notice it. Not that I really ever did anything with the information, it was just a layer of the type of perceptions I would have – extraneous and meaningless maybe or maybe not.  Definitely with a focus on color patterns and patterning.

In my teens, I spent hours shopping for the right clothing.  Today, I abhor shopping for clothes largely because I am two sizes bigger than I would like to be.  The preoccupation with clothes at an early age is probably all wrapped up in image.  I have very little to say in that regard today as Ego is largely drained from my daily events.  I tend today to wear the same make of clothes all the time and often repeat the same outfit once a week.  In fact, I do not care about clothing at all.  It is a chore to buy clothes and it is a chore to pick out clothes for any given day.

While being diagnosed with an eating disorder is something I have considered as relevant to my mental health, I feel that my weight gain issues center more on body image issues and medication use.  For years, I bought into the fashion magazine mindset that you were not beautiful unless you were a size 6 or size 8.  For years throughout high school and college and into my twenties, I ate and exercised in order to maintain a size 6 or a size 8 figure.  Often this meant running three to five miles several times a week and counting caloric intake to be about 1000 calories a day.  When I became pregnant at age 38 I was about a size ten. After giving birth to my daughter, I have stayed at a size twelve if not a size fourteen.  I currently have very little discipline in the food and exercise realm largely in my own view because I feel I am reacting to years of over-exercising and over-dieting. 

So it is that my size in clothes has moved from a size 6 in high school to a size 14 in married life and after child-birth.  This continues to be a goal of mine to return again to size 12 through a combination of exercise and food monitoring.  However, it is something admittedly that until quite recently has fallen off the radar screen.  Some of this frustration and back-pedaling about eating and exercise may include the fact that meds are often associated with weight gain.  In my mind, I tell myself it is better to have an extra twenty pounds on while taking medicine than it is to be a at a model’s weight with little or no mental stability.  This is particularly true when I start to be honest with myself that fasting from breakfast time through lunchtime is associated with mood issues since blood sugar levels are not being addressed.